May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Sure, absolutely sure, let's have A further spot the place American Males can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: give Anyone a suite about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It is that he should really quit working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You realize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from Area, a feature getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after discovering the developing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it Trump Tower Damascus spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place friends might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "For those who Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting attention from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree may also include things like:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to find out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort the place my PTSD might have switch-down services."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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